Why Relationships Fail

Reasons why relationships fail may be narrowed down to this simple personal observation: a lack of contentment and appreciation of one another and the conditions obtainable by couples engaged in a relationship.

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Indeed, when couples are no longer thrilled by the factors which led to the establishment of a relationship, this ultimately lead to discontentment. And once that happens, dating couples no longer feel the need to make their relationships work. So, what happens thereafter? Couples subsequently feel an overwhelming need to put an end to a relationship and go separate ways.

It is no longer news that love relationships undergo failure every single day. In fact, the failure rate of love and marriage relationships these days is quite high. According to one online reference resource, for every one new relationship that is established, at least two old ones are experiencing break up every day. Incredible, but true! (see divorce rate statistics for details on this)

Without a doubt, the situation is indeed worrisome and a cause for concern. This brings us to the question: why do relationships fail? Or, what factors are responsible for relationship failure? And, what can be done in order to eliminate the failure rate or, in the alternative, reduce it to the barest minimum possible?

Consequently, we shall discuss the reasons why relationships fail from both a secular point of view and a religious point of view.

Additionally, our consideration of this topic will similarly be done side by side with why marriages fail because a marriage is a relationship - albeit at a more deeper, intense level - like any other. And, as such, reasons why relationships fail for the most part also applies with equal, if not greater, force to marriages. So, whatever reasons for relationship failure that is advanced in this article may be applied without any bias to marriages as well.

Finally, based on the various reasons adduced here for relationship failure, practical and result-oriented recommendations are postulated which, in the Author's sincere opinion, will in no small way drastically reduce, if not totally eliminate, the high incidence of relationship failure across the globe.

Fundamental Reasons Why Relationships Fail

Usually, when people reach a decision to break up, the decision is a culmination of an ongoing mutual lack of agreement among the couple. Thus, the disagreement goes on unresolved for days, months and even years. And when eventually the crises escalate and boil over, the situation reach a head and the couple decide to go their separate ways.

Now, let us look at why relationships undergo failure from a secular point of view.

In the first place, love relationships fail for the following aggregated reasons:

1. Incompatibility

One of the fundamental reasons why love relationships fail is the issue of incompatibility among the couples involved. Incompatibility in this instance does not mean that the couple are from totally different ethic and societal background.

It simply means that those involved in the relationship do not share the same basic values right from the onset of the relationship. This thereafter precipitates toxicity and eventually leads to the death of the relationship.

This sort of relationships, where the basic ingredients of a successful relationship - namely true love, commitment, trust and understanding - were absent on the part of one of the parties or simply non-existent in the relationship from day one, are very difficult to resuscitate and resurrect (see the article true love defined for details on this).

On the other hand, it could also be that the couple initially had a good beginning and shared things in common. But, as time went past, the couple simply became complacent about their relationship and allowed it to wax cold and crumble.

In this second instance, the couple actually stops appreciating each other and starts taking each other for granted. Both parties are to blame here. The couple no longer cherish and desire to sustain the relationship any longer.

Usually, all hope is not lost for this relationship; but, only as long as the parties continue to keep in constant touch. There is every tendency that the "cooling off" period is an excellent time for the couple to re-evaluate what brought them together in the first place, remember the good times they shared together, see reasons to make up and come back together again.

2. Immaturity of the Couple

Another reason for relationship conflicts is immaturity on the part of the couple. Much of youthful “love” is not real love at all, but infatuation, physical attraction. Immaturity, on the other hand, does not necessarily have any bearing on the age of the couple in many instances.

Thus, a person could be up to 40yrs old and still be behaving like a kid of 8yrs. So, what matters is the mental disposition and attitude of the persons concerned, as well as their readiness to make necessary adjustments when necessary and be as accommodating with each other as possible.

3. Family Background

How a person is raised often influences the course his or her relationship will take. A bad home atmosphere can threaten the possibility of love and joy in a future relationship. Many who even had despised the bad actions of their parents often find that they imitate the bad behaviour later.

In this regard, one married woman said:

“My mother used to criticize my dad and throw things when
she got angry at him. Although I hate myself for it,
I tend to nag my husband and throw stuff when I get upset.
It’s as though Mom ‘taught’ me to live with a husband this way.
I wish they had taught me how to solve problems
with a husband, not make them.”

Another aspect of a couple’s background has to do with their interests being too different. At first, such differences may seem intriguing in a relationship. But, later on as they become too familiar with one another in their relationship, when the newness of these differences wears off, they can become points of relationship conflicts. The more differences there are in likes and dislikes, such as tastes in food and clothing, or attitudes on work, money, politics, religion and other things, the greater the likelihood of arguing over them much much later, even after marriage.

Opposites may attract at first, but they can repel later. It has been found that the more things people have in common to begin with, the fewer their areas of conflict in their relationship. And, mind you, whatever experiences that couples undergo during dating and courtship is a foretaste and a reflection of what would eventually occur during marriage - with a slight variation here and there.

4. Establishing Relationships for the Wrong Reasons

According to an ancient Chinese proverb, love flies out of the window when poverty comes in through the door. That proverb aptly describes what is typical of many love relationships today - especially with the female folk. Money and beauty have become a strong factor among a large number of young ladies and young men. This is a very selfish and complacent reason for establishing a relationship.

Most times people think they are in love for the simple fact that those they are in a relationship with can meet their basic needs or are attractive. In essence, such "love" is superficial and perfunctory, but certainly not real. lt is fair-weather love. This is because when the basis for such relationships - that is, money and beauty - fades away, the so-called "love" in turn diminishes and even disappears.

On the other hand, real or true love is everlasting and it is not what a person attains over night. lt is an attitude, a way of life that has been imbibed over time.

Thus, a relationship devoid of any strong heartfelt COMMITMENT on the part of the couple is built on a very shaky foundation. Is it any wonder then that a large number of many relationships - including marriages - "hit the rock" and fail nowadays?

5. Employment and Money Pressures

Marriage is quite different from a casual relationship - but a relationship all the same like any other. So, when a husband becomes too involved with his work and the people at his work, he neglects his wife. The wife begins to resent this, and may feel restricted by having to care for the home and children.

On the other hand, some wives who work to make life ‘more interesting,’ and not because of economic necessity, can create resentment in their husbands. A man may feel that his wife is neglecting his interests, the home, and the children’s upbringing.

In these days of high rate of inflation and harsh economic realities, many wives feel pressured to take up secular employment, either part-time or full-time, in order to support the family income. But, then, problem arises where the husband still expects his wife to do all the house chores all alone as she previously did when she was unemployed.

Consequently, she feels that this is unfair, which it is - after all, she also do secular work to support the family like her husband. So, by her reasoning, why can't her husband help out with the chores? The husband fails to see it this way and their relationship becomes strained.

At times trouble comes when the husband is unable to find suitable employment to provide a good living for the family. In this situation, he may develop a lack of self-respect and may even begin drinking heavily. This makes the bad situation worse, with the wife growing more frustrated.

Money problems, a chief culprit fingered in the high rate of marriage failure nowadays, frequently come because people will not curb their appetites for unnecessary material things. Their wants far exceed their needs, and they buy more than they can afford. This is often true of many young couples who want the goods they see advertised or that they see older persons enjoy.

They conveniently forget that these older folks had to work many years to get them. So the young couple goes heavily into debt, spending more money than they make. Both may have to work to support their life-style, and often even this is not enough income. Too, at this very time the wife may have a baby and may be unable to work. So there is not enough money for the bills. Bitterness and faultfinding follow.

6. Lack of Communication / Not Resolving Disagreements Quickly

This common reason centres on the unwillingness of dating couples in a relationship and marriage mates to talk things over between themselves in a calm, open manner. It has a deadening effect on many aspects of a relationship. Usually it is the woman, often the more emotional and sentimental of the two, who feels ignored. She may feel that her partner is insensitive to her opinions, interests and needs.

She may complain that her man is not listening to her when she expresses herself. So, she feels isolated, unloved, without a companion (which a husband should be). Thus the couple drift apart.

However, in many instances the lack of communication is not the cause of the problems. It is the result. Something else has gone wrong, and one manifestation of it is that the couple has less and less good conversation beyond the everyday conversation of what, where and how.

7. Promiscuity, Alcoholism, Gambling and Other Such Behavioural Defects

A married man who has been a player in his "hay" days sees the marriage as an extension of his previous bachelorhood and profligate happy-go-lucky existence. Similarly, the married woman who does not see a difference between marriage and spinsterhood stubbornly continues to insist on maintaining her independence hitherto associated with her previous spinsterhood status. This therefore gives rise to constant relationship conflicts within the home.

According to the Globe Today, "Alcoholism is also another one of the foremost home wreckers. Tens of millions of persons throughout the world are alcoholics. Tens of millions of others are close to alcoholism".

The drinking may be due to a desire to ‘have fun,’ or to ‘feel good.’ But it may also be the result of other troubles that the person has difficulty coping with in his or her relationship and tries to ease or escape by drinking. But the heavy drinking is certain to make worse whatever problems there were in the beginning.

The mate who does not drink too much is usually repulsed by the one who does. A large percent of divorces list alcoholism on the part of one mate as the chief cause.

Sadly, children of alcoholic parents later have a higher degree of drinking problems themselves. This early home “training” or “conditioning” carries over into marriage, where they experience many of the problems which their parents had because of drinking too much.

Panacea to Relationship Failure and Restoring a Broken Relationship

As the foregoing has clearly shown, various reasons why relationships fail have been adduced in this article. lndeed, the high rate of failure of love relationship and marriage is traceable to a host of related factors. In simple terms, though, all these factors boils down to a lack of strong commitment, love, mutual respect, trust and understanding among the parties.

In other words, as stated previously in the opening paragraph of this article, when couples are no longer thrilled by the factors which led to the establishment of a relationship, this ultimately lead to discontentment. And once that happens, dating couples no longer feel the need to make their relationships work. And, as such, couples subsequently feel an overwhelming need to put an end to a relationship and go separate ways.

But what remedies may be adopted as panacea to relationship failure?

There is the need therefore for all those in a relationship, including married couples, to develop a strong heartfelt COMMITMENT towards making their relationships succeed.

Similarly, the sooner that people stop equating money, fame and prestige with love the better for everyone seeking to go into a relationship. What many ladies who have a strong love for an easy-going way of life need to urgently realise is that a man may have all the money in the world but may not have the capacity to love or give love. Certainly, just as if you do not have money you cannot give money, if you do not have true love deep within you, you cannot give it.

From a Christian point of view, the man is strongly urged to "love his wife as he does himself" and the woman is counselled to "be submissive and obedient to her husband in ALL things". That admonition, though simple in expression, contains practical wisdom for married couples indeed; because therein lies the secret to marital happiness. In the same vein, all those in a relationship who look forward to getting married some day can also learn from this unique advice for a successful married life.

And no one should misunderstand the meaning of the biblical word “submissive”. It does not imply inferiority of the female over the male. It only suggests that the man is “head” of the home. And even at that, he is also urged in the bible not to misuse his role as head of the home.

The proper understanding of the word “submissive” is clearly shown by another bible idea that when a man and woman get married, they are no longer 2 but they become "1" – thereby illustrating how a marriage wherein there is true love, commitment and understanding should be like. There is oneness among the couple.

Relationship failure across the globe has become endemic. But, it is often said that in order to cure a disease completely, you need to address the root cause and not the symptoms of the disease. Thus, the root causes why relationships fail have been identified in detail in this write-up.

Consequently, in order for married couples and those in a relationship with the intention of getting married to be truly happy in their relationship, these fundamental causes for relationship and marriage failures must be addressed as a matter of necessity.

On the other hand, if palliative rather than correct measures are adopted instead, the situation can then be likened to that of a person who takes an aspirin for a toothache. It may help relieve the pain, but it does not get at the root of the problem.

Have You Experienced A Break-up?

Have you experienced a break-up with your partner or spouse or know someone who has, it is wise indeed to find out if you or the person shared anything in common with the other party before and during the period that the relationship subsisted.

Having an advanced knowledge of this will help in deciding whether to give it another trial or simply forget about the relationship altogether.

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