Why People Hang On to
Dead Relationship

Certain reasons account for why people hang on to dead relationship.

But, let us have a complete understanding of what a dead relationship is all about before we proceed to examine why people hang on to dead relationship.

So, what is a dead relationship? Well, a dead relationship may be regarded as a relationship between two members of the opposite sex that is devoid of genuine, undying, true love. In other words, two members of the opposite sex may be in a relationship for other reasons other than true love.

Of course, that is not a healthy relationship. That is a dead relationship.

A healthy relationship is the direct opposite of a dead relationship. A healthy relationship must, of a necessity, have genuine, undying, true love, strong heartfelt commitment, unwavering trust and complete understanding as the basis for the relationship.

On the other hand, as appealing as a healthy relationship well-grounded on the tenets of true love may be, many people still hang on to dead relationship. So, why, if one may ask, do people hang on to dead relationship?

Some of the reasons why people hang on to dead relationship are as follows:

1. The Presence of Children

The presence of children in a relationship and even marriage is a huge factor for many folks in reaching a decision as to whether they will put an end to their dead relationship or not. To many folks, especially in Africa, children are often regarded as the most important part of a man's wealth - since the children will carry on the family name and legacy long after the parents are dead and forgotten.

As such, the absence of children for a very long time can quickly lead to the breakup of a dead relationship. In a similar vein, the presence of children in a relationship can equally make couples hang on desperately to their dead relationships - at least for the sake of the children.

Additionally, many folks who have experienced a breakup in their relationship or marriage may consider making up with their ex once again if they had children with their ex before the breakup. In this way, children appear to be a huge factor with respect to the lifespan of many relationships.

2. The Misconception of Failure

There is a certain amount of inferiority complex that people feel when they put an end to their dead relationships. Some people associate the ending of a relationship with social failure - perhaps due to the high expectation that people have of them in their neighbourhood.

As a result of this, many people prefer simply to sweat it out, just continue to endure miserably and hang on desperately to a joyless and loveless relationship and even marriage; in order not to be viewed as social failures by the society, most especially their relations, colleagues, friends and acquaintances.

lf only these people would realise that marriage is not meant to be endured, but enjoyed! And that is not to say that marriage is a bed of roses either. lt only means that when problems come in marriage, they are handled mutually by the partners with maturity, love and understanding.

(For proven result-oriented workable tips on resolving marital conflicts in an atmosphere of genuine love and understanding, please see the wonderful article: resolving marital conflicts.)

However, the ending of a relationship and even marriage, when it becomes inevitable, should not be seen as a failure, but rather the ending of an unfavourable and often emotionally debilitating situation in their lives!

Then they would not have to endure so much pain and misery at the hands of their unloving partners - and often silently without having anyone to cry out to for help because they would have only one advice to give them: "leave the relationship!".

3. Wrong Notion That People Can Be Changed

Another reason why people hang on to dead relationship is the wrong notion that people can be changed.

Well, it is perfectly okay for you to expect your partner to change his or her repulsive and annoying personality traits. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever. The only problem with that, however, is that people hardly ever change!

Thus, if your partner is unwilling to change his or her undesirable personality traits, why should he or she expect you to compromise on your values and expectations of the desirable qualities in an ideal mate?

On the contrary, it is highly important for you to clearly understand your own needs in a relationship and the qualities that you desire in a mate. Thus, you need to be absolutely honest with yourself and never compromise on those qualities - most especially before you begin the relationship.

However, many people who initially thought that they would never compromise on the values that they hold dear and cherish greatly often find themselves accommodating all forms of relationship misnormer from their partners. They, quite often, rationalise on the enormity of the problem as well as the gravity of the undesirable traits in their partners.

They convince themselves that they are in love. They reassure themselves that their partners love them too and would do anything to guarantee their happiness - when in reality their partners never made any such promise to them.

They find themselves making excuses for their partners - thinking to themselves: "oh, he / she will change" - when actually it is they themselves only that are changing and making all the compromises and sacrifices for their partners.

Quite often, and contrary to the general expectation and what we personally like to see happen, we cannot make people change from being what they have become accustomed to. Most often than not, we even find it difficult to change our own unpleasant and undesirable character and personality traits.

That is precisely why so many new year resolutions are made at the beginning of every year - to stop drinking, stop smoking, stop promiscuous and profligate living, stop gambling, stop this bad trait, stop that bad trait - but very few of those resolutions, if ever, are kept.

So, if we find it extremely difficult to change our own selves, how could anyone expect that a partner with an undesirable character and personality traits will change with time? What we usually find with time is that small things gets magnified and they become a major source of relationship conflicts later on in the relationship. And this becomes much worse after marriage.

Is it any wonder then that the unwillingness of a partner to change his or her repulsive and undesirable personality traits often lead to friction and unhappiness in a relationship?

Hence, if you are starting out a relationship and you notice any unpleasant or discomforting personality traits or qualities in your partner, it is advisable to discuss them with your partner early in the relationship and see if your partner is willing to change.

If he or she shows willingness to change, give him or her a reasonable time to manifest such changes. lf after the expiration of such reasonable time, your partner still refuses to change, it might be wise to consider putting an end to the relationship at that early stage before things become too complex and complicated for you.

4. The Fear Factor

Perhaps the most significant reason why people hang on to dead relationship is the fear factor.

The fear factor? Yes, the fear factor. Many individuals stay in loveless relationships that are practically dead because they are afraid. They fear loneliness, fear hurting a partner, as well as, fear having to deal with uncomfortable situations.

Thus, the fear of the unknown keeps many people bondage in a loveless relationship or even marriage. Some may even rationalise this by saying that "the devil you know is better than the angel you do not know"! And who told you that there can be any good in the devil himself? That is a very flimsy excuse indeed for you to remain in a loveless relationship.

Do you remember the famous words of the renowned Reverend T. D. Jakes? He is often quoted as saying that, "People leave you because they are not joined to you (that is a dead relationship scenario). And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!"

Continuing, he says: "And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead".

Aptly put, indeed! Yes, you've got to know when your relationship - and even marriage - is dead so that "you don't keep trying to raise the dead".

Do you know that it is actually pathetic when you beg people to stay in your life?

l personally know of a married couple who fall into this category. Every single occasion that they quarrelled, it was always the man who will call up his wife on his mobile phone to make ammends.

The woman on her part would simply resort to saying harsh and annoying words to infuriate her husband further.

lt became obvious to the man that the marriage had lost all meaning for his wife and that they had a dead relationship scenario. So, he had to mildly tell his wife that they should break it up - with no hard feelings attached. And she did not raise any objection whatsoever.

Just imagine! She was glad that her husband had the moral courage to end the dead relationship. All along she wanted it to end; but she didn't want to be the one to initiate the end of their dead relationship! Matter of fact, it was the kindest thing that the man could do to either himself or his wife.

However, it is not often that you will experience a peaceful, amicable, mutual resolve to end a long-term relationship that initially started out well, but became dead with the passage of time. Occasionally, a partner might become highly temperamental and emotional or even become violent as a result of the perceived threat of breakup and the ensuing fear of the unknown.

It would then become necessary to express the greatest discernment in conducting the breakup meeting. For more information on what steps to take and how to conduct yourself during a breakup session of a dead relationship, please see the web page: When and How to End a Relationship.

5. Loss of Friendship

Another reason why people hang on to dead relationship is that they fear that they would lose the friendship of those connected in one way or the other to their relationship - be it an inlaw, a friend of their partner or a business associate of their partner.

And that is the same reason why, when relationships end, many people tend to cut off everything directly or remotely connected with their former partners.

Is it not simply stupendous to conclude that after sharing months and years with a person in a relationship, that, if one component of the relationship changes, all other components of the relationship must be cut off?

Why can't people just accept the ultimate reality that their dead relationships have come to an inevitable end and continue the other components of the relationship; without attempting to harrass everyone and seek a scapegoat on whom to lay the blame for their dead relationships?

Where the problem lie is that many persons make the mistake of blaming each other, quite often with strongly-entrenched feelings of bitterness and resentment, as being solely responsible for the cause of the relationship failure.

On the other hand, there need not have to be a reason for the broken relationship. It just did not work out - pure and simple. The earlier that some married couples stop seeing a broken relationship as the end of the world, the better for everyone concerned.

6. Relationship of Convenience

A final reason we will consider here why people hang on to dead relationship is because of what they get from the relationship. This sort of relationship has selfishness and greed as the strongly-entrenched taproot of the relationship.

This relationship of convenience is also known as an open relationship, where the partners can continue to maintain their independence while conducting multiple relationships with two or more people at the same time.

Without mincing words, many people today are simply in a relationship of convenience. One way they do this is by conducting trial marriages, that is, they conduct a relationship of convenience by moving into the same apartmnent as live-in lovers. Thus, rather than get married legally, they continue to maintain this status quo as live-in lovers for months and even many years to come.

They prefer the trial marriage relationship scenario because it affords them the wanton opportunity of continuing their profligate and loose living. Consequently, they see marriage as being unncessarily restrictive and an undesirable commitment that would rob them of their much-desired independence. The excuse which is often given is that a trial marriage has all the advantages of a full-blown (legal) marriage without having any of the disadvantages.

But, is this really true? Of course not! If this was true, then couples that are in a relationship of convenience should be happier compared to couples that are legally married. Is that not sound logic? Of course, yes! But, is that the case? Of course, no! It has been proven again and again that there is more insecurity and unhappiness related to open relationships than with legal marriages.

But, this does not still prevent many from continuing with their relationship of convenience - their dead relationships. To this end, they would give anything to have and continuously maintain a relationship that would not require them to lose their independence. The solution? Bingo! A dead relationship!

A dead relationship is hopelessly appealing to these sort of people because they can conduct a live-in relationship, share apartment, share expenses, share confidences and when the mood hits them engage in sexual activity without feeling the need of being committed in any way to their partners. Thus, they can share everything that needs to be shared in the relationship except true love, of course. And all without any strong heartfelt commitment for one another.

Additionally, there is no written code of behaviour anywhere which says that they have to be sexually faithful to their live-in partners. And when they are fed up with the dead relationship, they simply put an end to it without batting an eyelid.

A Healthy Relationship is Best!

A healthy relationship where genuine, undying, true love, strong heartfelt commitment, unwavering trust and complete understanding exists is obviously the best option as opposed to a dead relationship.

As we have seen in this article, a healthy relationship is the direct opposite of a dead relationship and is most to be preferred irrespective of how appealing a dead relationship might be. One reason is that there is honesty and openness, as well as trust in the relationship.

Indeed, a healthy relationship offers far more beneficial advantages than a dead relationship. So, rather than hang on desperately to a dead relationship for financial gain or illicit pleasures, it is advisable to put an end to a dead relationship and make all efforts to embrace a healthy relationship.

For practical advice on when and how to put an end to a dead relationship peacefully and gracefully, please see the internet classic: when and how to end a relationship peacefully and gracefully.

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