Resolving Marital Conflicts - Here's How

There are bound to be conflicts in marriage. Hence, resolving marital conflicts with love, maturity and understanding when these arise is of utmost importance. After all, marriage is a union of two imperfect human beings.

So, it would be very wrong indeed for couples to expect perfection from each other. The key to resolving marital conflicts and ensuring marital happiness therefore lies in the readiness and willingness of married couples to accommodate each other's shortcomings as far as humanly possible.

No wonder it is said that "a successful marriage is a union of two good forgivers" (author unknown). To buttress this point, the holy book says that "Love covers a multitude of sins".

Nevertheless, a lot of the marital conflicts which arise in many marriages can be reduced to the barest minimum by making proper preparation, planning ahead, laying a strong and solid foundation for marriage, as well as building the marriage structure with the right and proper "materials".

Planning and Building the Marriage Structure

By comparison, the marriage union is analogous to a gigantic structure, a building. Consequently, like it is with the construction of any other physical structure, every marriage needs to be built upon a very strong foundation in order for it to last a reasonable length of time.

Without a strong foundation, however, any marriage is doomed to fail within a very short time - irrespective of whatever forecasts may have been made in respect of the marriage by passive bystanders. Building on a very strong foundation therefore increases the survival rate by three times the normal survival rate of all marriages.

Apart from laying a strong foundation for marriage, the proper "materials" must be used for building a marriage in order to form a very solid, sturdy structure that is capable of withstanding all forms of stress and tension - marital conflicts, that is - that may arise after the marriage day.

Thus, quality "materials" such as love, trust, understanding and readiness to overlook the many shortcomings of one's mate must form the basic building materials for marriage.

Similarly, after erecting a structure, a systematic regiment of constant periodic maintenance must be put in place to ensure that the structure continues to maintain a state of comeliness despite its age and the deteriorating effects of the elements like rain, sun, hurricanes and other stormy weather conditions. So it is too with marriage.

Conflicts in marriage behave in much the same manner as weather conditions behave to erected structures in many respects. While some marital conflicts gently tear at the outer layer of the marriage, others are much more dramatic in effects.

These other forms of marital conflicts act to tear down the very fabric going deep down to the roots, the very foundation, upon which the marriage structure has been built. This behaviour have similar effects on marriage as the occurrence of an earthquake at a location where a structure has been erected has on that building.

But, perhaps the most important phase of building a successful marriage is making proper preparations and planning for the success of the marriage. Just as it is with all structures, marriage too has its own blueprint that must be properly planned, designed and executed to precision - so as to reduce future marital conflicts and thus guarantee the success of the marriage union.

One of the means of doing this is to conduct a compatibility test between the couples by themselves. See the article: Compatibility Test, for assistance on how to conduct a compatibility test between you and your partner.

Similarly, dating couples can minimise the problems and marital conflicts that will occur later in marriage as a pre-emptive measure towards resolving marital conflicts before they actually go into marriage. The way they can do this is to marry their best friend. But, while it is sound advice for couples intending to get married to marry their best friend, these persons are still imperfect in every respect.

So, it may even happen that your best friend will hurt you in some way at some point in your marriage. But, the difference ultimately lies in how he or she reacts or responds to the complaint when it is pointed out to him or her.

While a person who is not your best friend might react defensively, your best friend is inclined to be more sensitive, loving and kind where your emotions are concerned. A person who is not your friend, much less your best friend, is very likely to be proud and conceited - not caring a hoot whether your feelings and emotions are bruised and hurt by a thoughtless remark or action.

At the very worst, they may even go out of their way to ensure that you do not know a moment's peace and joy as long as you stay married to them (please see the following web page: Marry Your Best Friend, for practical relationship advice on the necessity for dating couples intending to get married to marry their best friend).

Resolving Marital Conflicts - A Practical Scenario

Let us now consider a practical scenario in resolving marital conflicts.

l am now going to paint to you a graphic virtual portrait of how couples can resolve their marital conflicts with a real-life scenario in order for you to understand vividly what l am getting at in this write-up.

A First Scenario

Just before leaving for work one morning, a husband offends his wife without meaning to, either by his action or a thoughtless remark.

Throughout the day at work doing his daily engaging schedule, he forgets completely that he had any misunderstanding with his wife. So he comes back home excited after a fulfilling day's work and shouts "Honey, l'm home!"

But, what does he find? A woman wearing a very long face as if there is going to be a heavy downpour on a very cloudy day. And what does he get? A warm welcome? A passionate hug and a long-drawn kiss from his wife? No. None of the above! Instead, he gets: "Go away! You do not love me!" She screams hysterically like a deranged lunatic.

How will the man feel? Oh yes! You guessed it! All his excitement will just die instantly like a tyre with all the compressed air deflated from it!

Is this how to resolve marital conflicts? ls this an ideal marriage?

A Second Scenario

Now compare that scenario with this one.

A man offends his wife in some way without meaning to and without knowing it. The man goes through the business for the day as usual and comes back home from work.

Just the sound of his vehicle that the wife hears while inside their apartment is all the woman needs to propel her from whatever she is doing to welcome her husband. He does not need to blow the horn of his car; only the sound of his approaching vehicle to the house is enough for his wife to leave whatever she is doing and rush to the door. She meets him at the doorway and hugs him close to herself and kiss him affectionately.

What is she telling him? Of course no words are needed. She is telling him practically that she missed him throughout the day - like a dog wagging her tail and looking at the face of her owner (pardon the comparison please; it is not meant to be derogatory).

Yes, the man doesn't have to scream "Honey, l'm home!" from the doorway. His wife tells him he is home. And he equally knows that too. And he tells himself, "Man, you are home!" Home becomes a place where he returns to with the flimsiest excuse of maybe forgetting his mobile phone and not where he runs away from in order to get peace.

She may even forget completely that her husband wronged her by his thoughtless words or action earlier during the day. If at all she remembers it, she might just bring it up only after they have made passionate love in the night and they were about getting set to go to sleep.

And even at that, she says it so gently as if it doesn't mean anything whatsoever to her. She is only saying it to get it off her chest - knowing fully well that her husband never really intended to hurt her by his words or actions. Her husband would then apologise to her instantly and draw her close to himself and reassure her of his undying love for her. He finds her sleeping peacefully and contentedly on his chest even while he is still speaking those words.

That is the ideal marriage - a marriage where there is genuine "50-50" love. In a marriage where true love exist, apologising to one another is as easy for them to do as having sex comes naturally to them. To them, it is a way of expressing their love for each other. That is the perfect picture of an ideal marriage.

Now, supposing that a malicious person recorded the scene which happened earlier that day and played it back for her to watch, her reply would be instantaneous, "My husband loves me. He couldn't have said or done what you are showing me right now".

What an unwavering faith! She makes excuses for him! She does not even need to be reminded every now and then of her husband's love. She knows it. Her husband loves her. That is the ideal marriage. There is implicit faith and trust in the ideal marriage.

And her confidence in her husband's love for her is not misguided at all. A woman who loves her husband completely and genuinely can only attract true love to herself. It is only natural that the man would reciprocate the love shown him by his wife in like manner.

He knows that come rain or shine, his wife's love for him is unconditional. And when she offends him unknowingly by words or action, he knows that it is not intentional. He forgives her willingly and wholeheartedly, often without even realising that he has been offended!

From this scenario, it is obvious that a major factor in resolving marital conflicts has to do with readiness and willingness to apologise without reservation. Additionally, marital conflicts can easily be resolved when married couples overlook and accommodate differences in views and opinions that could easily lead to marital conflicts. In this connection, the good book says that "love does not keep account of the injury". lndeed, that is how marital conflicts are easily resolved in the ideal marriage.

However, that is not to say that there are not certain individuals who are simply very hard to please. No matter what a partner might do, they are just too difficult. lt is obvious in this instance that the union has lost all meaning for these ones. And it is obvious that the source of conflicts can only be ended through a breakup.

So, when this happens, it might then become necessary to separate temporarily to see if the space this creates may bring resolution to the sources of marital conflicts in the union.

On the other hand, many marital conflicts can easily be resolved by openly discussing them. Discussing problems openly and directly with your partner creates a forum for airing points of disagreements and grievances and also the possible resolution of the conflicts.

lt is disheartening to note and it grieves me greatly that many men and women suffer for years and never bring problems up with their partners. This is not healthy at all. lf there is love in a marriage, it shouldn't be difficult for married couples to discuss their problems openly with their mates. Otherwise, the reverse might just be true of such marriages.

Help with Resolving Marital Conflicts

ln certain instances, marital conflicts arise in marriage due to no particular personality flaw or emotional crisis on the part of the couple. On the other hand, conflicts in marriage may arise as a result of the challenges that couples are compelled to undergo as a consequence of their marriage.

lt should be noted though that challenges in marriage can easily become sources of friction or marital conflicts - if couples focus primarily on themselves and not on the effects that the challenges have on their marriage mates. Hence, married couples can do with a lot of help with respect to resolving marital conflicts of their own or that of their relatives, neighbours, friends and colleagues.

But, is there such help available to assist couples who are determined to make their marriage successful? Certainly there is!

It is to this end that online reference resources such as this one comes in handy. You can help save a marriage - l like that phrase, save a marriage - by sending the link to this article resolving marital conflicts to your relatives, neighbours, friends and colleagues through their e-mail or social network media such as Facebook and Twitter or social bookmarking sites like Stumbleupon and others.

Resolving Marital Conflicts - A Spiritual Perspective

I have personally observed that though many people claim to be Christians, they do not believe what the Bible has to say on marriage and a host of other issues bothering on morality and proper behaviour. Many are simply ignorant of the Bible's beliefs and teachings. And even when they are aware of them, they simply prefer to do things the way they have been accustomed to doing, their own way.

According to Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), India philosopher, internationally esteemed for his doctrine of non-violent protest, "lf Christians would really live according to the teachings of Christ, as found in the Bible, all of lndia (and the world, l might add) would be Christian today."

lt is certain therefore that many marital disputes and conflicts could easily be resolved when married couples who themselves profess to be Christians apply the teachings of the Bible.

Just take a look at some of the wonderful and practical counsel available in the Bible for resolving marital conflicts, ponder over them and see whether they can indeed help in resolving marital conflicts or not.

(i) Head of the Home:

"But I want YOU to know that the head of every man is the Christ;
in turn the head of a woman is the man;
in turn the head of the Christ is God." - (1 Cor. 11:3)

ls that not simple language enough? The husband is head of the home. The man is in charge as far as the home front is concerned.

Perhaps that is why there is a saying in common parlance that a man may be a pauper or a commoner, but he is king in his own home.

lf we are to draw the headship rule as stated here in the Bible graphically, we will have the drawing opposite of this paragraph.

Thus, after a woman is married, she ceases to belong to her parents. For that matter, she no longer belongs to herself as she used to be as a spinster; because her marriage has the effect of making her lose her independence.

She becomes part of her husband, who then becomes her owner and has the right to give her instructions which it is ultimately bounding upon her to obey. But, the moment he dies, "she is free from his law".

That is why, while taking the marriage oath, the couple swear to stay married "till death do them part". That is what the holy book says.

Read it for yourself below.

"Can it be that YOU do not know, brothers, (for I am speaking
to those who know law - people who claim to be Christians)
that the Law is master over a man as long
as he lives? For instance, a married woman is bound by
law to her husband while he is alive; but if her husband dies,
she is discharged from the law of her husband.

"So, then, while her husband is living, she would be styled an adulteress
if she became another man’s. But if her husband dies,
she is free from his law, so that she is not
an adulteress if she becomes another man’s." - Romans 7:1-4

What does that imply? In just one word, ownership.

And speaking logically, every institution has someone who is in charge. So it is with every country - a single individual is in charge - a president, a Prime Minister, a Monarch, an Emperor or whatever name that is used to address him or her in that country. And, as a matter of fact, two captains cannot be in the same ship.

Similarly, when it comes to marriage, the man, the husband is in charge. Even women generally recognise and acknowledge this. Why else would women willingly and happily change their surname to that of their husbands?" lt is to signify that they belong to the man now as part of his family and no longer part of their parents' family.

l know you are itching to say a word. But, before you utter a single word, just take a look at the next Bible portion to drive the point home.

"Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord,
because a husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head
of the congregation, he being a savior of [this] body. In fact, as the
congregation is in subjection to the Christ, so let wives also be to their husbands in everything." - (Eph. 5:22-24)

What does that imply? Control. The man is head of the home "as the Christ also is head of the congregation". He is in charge.

He is expected to lead members of his household in the right and proper way that they should go; and they are expected to follow obediently.

Christian wives are to be in subjection to their husbands in everything - "as the congregation is in subjection to the Christ".

That is a direct command from God to all married women who regard themselves as Christians - otherwise their Christianity is subject to serious doubt. Thus, engaging in meaningless and unnecessary arguments or what the Bible refer to as "debates" over decisions to be made or not made and how certain activities are to be carried out or not carried out does not suggest submissiveness on the part of a Christian wife.

And that does not in any way imply that the woman cannot air her opinions and viewpoints concerning decisions affecting the family. But, when the man puts his feet down on a particular matter, the woman is duty bound to respect that decision made by her husband, the head of the home.

And, of course, a man who loves his wife and family dearly will not deliberately make decisions that will jeopardize the welfare and happiness of his wife and family. And why is that? Noteworthy is the reminder: “No man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it.” This is because a man and his wife “are no longer two, but one flesh,” as Jesus pointed out. (Matthew 19:6)

The holy book continues:

“Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the
congregation and delivered up himself for it . . . In this way husbands
ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves
his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh;
but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does
the congregation.” —Ephesians 5:23, 25-29

A husband who is a wife's best friend will indeed find this command by God to love his wife as he does himself to be a pleasure to obey rather than be an overbearing burden. ln the same manner, a wife who is her husband's best friend will find it easy to yield to his control and direction as head of the home.

(ii) The Role of the Wife:

A woman who truly and genuinely loves her husband is supposed to be a perfect blend to her husband. A good wife does not work in competition or opposition to her husband in the home. But, she is supportive and cooperative of her husband's activities, offering her wholehearted contributions in every aspects to ensure that the collective goals and aspirations of the family under the leadership of the husband succeeds. (Watch out for the book: How to Achieve the Perfect Blend in Your Relationship Or Marriage, by Kome ltoje)

And even when as an imperfect man, the husband makes a human error in judgement, a good wife does not rub it in. lf a woman constantly criticizes or nags her husband ceaselessly over a decision he made in error which turned sour, she does not have deep respect for him at all. Doing this shows a sign of insensitivity to the husband's emotions who may already feel bad at the way things turned out.

Rather, a good wife shows the greatest understanding of the situation and even go out of her way to console her husband over the bad judgement or failed decision - thus recognising the fact that her husband is an imperfect man after all. Hence, she does not belittle what her husband does or try to take over his headship. In this way, she thus shows that she has “deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

A good wife is also a good manager of the home. In fulfilling her role, a wife can do much in caring for the family. For example, the Bible shows that married women are “to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sound in mind, chaste, workers at home, good, subjecting themselves to their own husbands.” (Titus 2:4, 5) A wife and mother who acts in this way will gain the lasting love and respect of her entire family. (Proverbs 31:10, 28)

Similarly, at 1 Peter 3:1-3, the good book says: "In like manner, YOU wives, be in subjection to YOUR own husbands, in order that, if any are not obedient to the word, they may be won without a word through the conduct of [their] wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of YOUR chaste conduct together with deep respect".

l find it amazing indeed that many women find it easier to change their surnames to that of their husband, yet find it extremely difficult to listen and obey the voice of their husbands or yield to his control. You tell them to do one thing, they do something else. Yet, they claim to be Christians!

Ownership and control is what the liberated modern-day woman simply does not wish to hear about! Hear them: "l do not want someone telling me what l should or should not do". And they are married? Do they even know the meaning of marriage? l wonder. Amazing indeed!

A stubborn wife's refusal to accept the man as head of the home and to be submissive leads to marital conflicts in marriages. Herein lies a major source of marital conflicts nowadays.

Love is All that Matters!

Indeed, the most important thing in resolving marital conflicts though is love among the couple and the ability to resolve marital conflicts with maturity and understanding. Thus, the Bible urges married couples to have "intense love for one another because love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).

So, it all boils down to sweet, "old-fashioned" love. That is the bottom line. Thus, when husbands and wives have "intense love" for themselves, resolving marital conflicts would be automatic for them.

And even when it comes to the business of sex, (is sex a business - what do you think?), they display their love and unselfishness for each other by ensuring that the sexual act is of mutual benefit and enjoyment to both of them (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

As the foregoing has proved beyond any reasonable doubt, married couples have more than enough help to assist them in resolving marital conflicts when these arise in their marriage.

Certainly, married couples who are best of friends to one another stand a good chance of making a meat of their marriage and making it succeed. But, if they also happen to be Christians as well, the better for them.

To quote Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) once again, "l like your Christ, but l don't like your Christianity". ln other words, if married couples who are Christians apply the spirit of Christ in their marriage, they can be sure to resolve their marital conflicts easily and quickly as often as they may occur and make a success of their marriage.

Consequently, though marital conflicts will surely arise in marriage, married couples can overcome them with love and understanding.

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