Childless Married Couples -
The Sadness And Pains They Endure...
...And How to Overcome Them

The challenges that childless married couples face are daunting and numerous. No other married couple can feel the sadness and pains they endure on a daily basis than childless couples themselves.

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Are you married? Are you blessed with children? Or, are you married but still remain childless by circumstance? If yours is a case of a married man or woman who has been married for maybe 3, 5, 8, 10 or 20 years and already have 2, 3, 5 or more children, then you probably do not know what it means to be married for 22 years without a child.

If you are a happily married man or woman with children, then this write-up is not for you. On the other hand, this article has been written with the childless married couples in mind due to the fact that they face a lot of unpleasant challenges to remain faithful to their marriage vows despite their childless situation.

In this write-up, I will endeavour to shed light on the numerous challenges that you must face as a childless married person and how to overcome them.

A Childless Marriage Scenario

If you are among this group of married persons, l honestly sympathise with you. I have been down that road myself, so l know what you must be going through right now. And please do not take it too hard on yourself and your spouse - as if life has robbed you of something very valuable. Also, you do not have to allow it affect the joy you have with your spouse. All hope is certainly not lost. I personally know of a couple who got their first child after 22 years of being married. Is that not awesome?

According to one childless married woman living in the United Kingdom, while speaking on the pains of childlessness: "I was just wondering the other day why there is no recognition of the pain and suffering of infertile women - those who want to have children - of their own and were not able to. My own story is that I was married at 34 and just assumed that my husband and I would have at least 4 children by age 40. It never crossed my mind preparing for my wedding that it was a possiblity that I may not be able to conceive.

"By age 40 I stopped trying, i.e., pills, monitoring ovulations, etc. I did anything and everthing that did not involve invasive surgical procedures. My husband, who was also in his 30's talked so much before our marriage about carrying on his family because he was the only son. He was tested and found not to be at fault. I was told that there could not find a reason for me not getting pregnant. Sometimes it seem its more acceptable to find a reason than not to find a reason at all. When there is a reason, usually there is a solution.

"For some reason, my husband did not want to adopt. I tried for foster children, because I did not want to live my life without children in it, but he never followed through with the entire process. Then in my late 40's I was diagnosed with a chronic illness - which meant that, by this time, the foster care agency would not accept me as a foster parent. My husband never talks about it - he just says it was not God's will.

"The lack of children in my life is a pain that's always there. Just seeing my sisters and neices with their families is painful. My husband's sisters and neices all have many children and always have family get-togethers, family vacations, reunions, etc. We are the only couple on both sides of the family who don't have children and I feel as if we stand out like a sour thumb.

The holidays are hard to get through. We're in our 60's now and our house is so quiet. We should be enjoying our grandchildren now, if we had them. I've often wondered how other couples who don't have children (not by choice) handle their childless life. Do you ever get over it?"

Just pause and reflect on this for a moment. Imagine the sadness and pains that married couples of this sort must endure daily as a result of their childlessness. You must understand how it feels like if you spent some “time of waiting” before you got your first child or you are still expecting your first child after many years of marriage.

One of the play out of this childless marriage scenario is the fact that the married couple in this unpleasant situation have sisters and brothers, friends and colleagues. Year after year, you receive different invitations for attendance at marriage ceremonies from friends and colleagues. And before the officiating minister could finish pronouncing the couple getting married as husband and wife, the woman is already pregnant.

And before long, the same friends and colleagues who sent you invitations to attend their marriage ceremonies are at your doorsteps to invite you once again to attend the naming ceremonies and church dedication of their young child.

And, as if this is not enough, you also see your junior ones get married and start having children of their own. Yet, your spouse and you remain childless. How truly saddening this is!

And that is not counting the various orthodox and traditional medical centres that you must have attended to attempt to find a solution to your predicament. Plus, the numerous discomforting medical examinations and tests you must have undergone to attempt to find a lasting medical solution to the problem.

Similarly, that is not counting the numerous prayer and deliverance sessions couples in this scenario must have attended at their church.

Another aspect to the saddening scenario worth considering is the valuable time, as well as the emotional and psychological stress that the childless couple goes through on a daily basis. What a pitiable situation!

And, finally, that is not counting the huge sums of money you must have spent on all the bills you incurred in the process of searching out a solution to the problem; whereas all the efforts that you expended amounted to naught and failed to yield any fruitful results.

At times like these, you may simply yield to despair and self-pity while you ask the age-old question, "Dear God, why us? What is our offence?"

Indeed, a couple who has stayed together despite being childless for so long - as the one highlighted in this write-up - truly and surely deserves an award!

I do not know for how long that you have been married without a child. But has it been up to 22 years? Though l am not saying that your own case will be as identical to this one, but this true life experience is certainly enlightening in many respects.

The Challenges that Childless Couples Face

There is no doubt whatsoever that, if you do not have a child as a married couple, you are faced with so many challenges - some of which have been highlighted in the childless couple scenario above.

The challenges that married couples of this nature face may either be external or internal in nature.

Challenge No. 1 - External Challenge: Attitude of Relations and the Society

While being childless is not such a huge problem in Europe and elsewhere in the world, it is a major source of marriage conflict in Africa.

On the one hand, as a married couple who have been childless in Africa, both your own parents and that of your spouse would not want to hear of your desire to adopt children from orphanage homes.

And to make it worse, our insensitive society (in Africa) does not encourage married couples who are childless to adopt children as a ready-made solution to the problem. Did l hear you ask, "How?"?

Well, for one, there is no government sensitization of the public in this regard. Additionally, public enlightenment campaigns and seminars on the necessity for childless married couples to adopt a child as a convenient alternative to bring them emotional relief are not organised by non-governmental organisations (NGOs), or - where they are organised - are very few. As a result of this, childless couples suffer in silence because there are no means available to address their peculiar needs.

And for those who defy the general attitude of their friends, colleagues, parents and even relations towards child adoption and go ahead to adopt a child, they become a laughing-stock in the community where they reside. This is because as far as everyone in the society is concerned, child adoption is an "alien" culture and a "foreign" idea.

Similarly, a married woman who fails to become pregnant after a perceived reasonable time faces a lot of vindictiveness from a very troublesome parents-in-law - in some cases, right from the very first year of marriage!

And as a matter of fact, in many instances the woman is perhaps the worst hit in a childless marriage scenario. She is often blamed as being responsible for the childlessness in the marriage. At best, she is accused of being morally promiscuous before marriage. And at worst, she is accused of being a witch. In extreme cases, she is thrown out of her matrimonial home and another wife is gotten for the man. A very docile man may simply look on while all this drama goes on in his home and succumb sheepishly to the new wife gotten for him by his parents.

Challenge No. 2 - lnternal Challenge: Attitude of the Married Couple to Their Situation

The major challenge that married couples who remain childless for a long time have is not that from parents, relations, friends, colleagues and even the society. The greatest challenge that they face is the married couples themselves.

Are Married Couples with Children Happier Than Childless Couples? According to www.findingdulcinea.com, "Some recent studies on parenthood indicate that childless individuals are happier than those with kids. “Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers,” reported sociology professor Robin Simon. Some parents may bristle at that idea, but psychology professor Dr. Daniel Gilbert explains that professionals aren’t saying parents don’t love their children. “Of course you love your children beyond measure! And kids do bring joy,” Gilbert adds. “It’s just that children do not increase your average daily enjoyment.” Lysette Butler said that even 10 years ago she faced accusations of being selfish for choosing not to have children. However, she just attributed the remarks to envy. “When you are a harassed mum it must be difficult not to feel a bit of jealousy about couples who don’t endure the sleepless nights or the stress and financial drain that children represent.” “Societal ills aside, perhaps we also expect too much from the promise of parenting,” suggested Lorraine Ali of Newsweek. People are getting married and having children later in life, which comparatively may make shuttling kids to various activities less exciting than past experiences. The answer may lie in the definition of happiness, said Karen Reivich, a research associate at the University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Center. “Happiness is more than just that smiley feeling,” Reivich explained. “It’s also feeling a connection to something larger than yourself. When people are in service to something bigger, they describe their lives as filled with meaning. It’s not the smiley face, but when it’s all over, you realize you’d do it again.” Many parents will seldom “cop to feeling depressed due to the everyday rigors of child rearing,” writes Newsweek. However, more American parents work out of the home and have less support from their extended family network. This, along with the reality that raising a child from birth to age 17 costs anywhere from $134,370 to $237,520 (excluding school or college tuition), makes child rearing more complex and more expensive." Thus, this study show that having children doesn’t necessarily make you a happier person. The study was posted by Lindsey Chapman CloseStyle: MLA APA Chicago EasyBib July 01, 2008 07:03 AM

In a marriage where there is love and the couples have a full understanding of the fact that marriage is beset with challenges, and that childlessness is one of such challenges, they tend to remain strong and maintain the love and joy they have from the onset of the marriage. Their childless situation presents a perfect situation to make their love for each other stronger than ever before.

And that is precisely why a couple can stay together for 22 years without a child. Just imagine! A child given birth to 22 years ago would have long finished high (secondary) school and, in some cases university or college.

On the other hand, if you allow your situation as a married person who is childless to get at you, you struggle constantly with an inferiority complex. Little wonder then that childlessness contribute a great deal to couples being miserable and joyless in many marriages in Africa.

lt is at times like this that the true quality of love that you profess for your mate is put to the utmost sever test. If there is no unity of mind and agreement with your mate, you soon find that you gradually drift apart from him or her. And when this happens, the man soon finds himself a mistress who before long gets pregnant for him - causing him to drift further away from his wife.

The scenario described in the preceding paragraph is not peculiar to men alone. It has been observed too that some married women have gone outside their matrimonial home to have illicit affairs with other men with the intent to get pregnant through the extra-marital relationships - with the resulting children presented to their husband as his own.

It is truly saddening indeed when married couples behave in this manner. As far as l am concerned, the marriage that has been tainted with adultery has become a complete farce and does not deserve to remain in existence any longer.

Of course, having children is a blessing to the marriage union and to be denied of that blessing is indeed saddening and painful. But, as much as it is sorely distressing to be married for a very long time and not have a single child to show for it, there is no justification whatsoever for couples to engage in adultery under whatever pretext they may have. As a married couple, you need to urgently realise that having children does not in any way make married couples automatically happy or guarantee the success of the union.

Additionally, you need to realise too that marriage is not a bed of roses. Certainly, childlessness is inevitable at certain times in a marriage. It could be for a short period or it could be for a long period. But for married couples to resort to self-pity amounts to a lack of faith and a strong skepticism of their God-given capability to have children.

And, as long as no medical doctor has certified you incapable of having children, there is a strong hope that you too will certainly have your own children at a time that you have given up hope and least expect it. And for your information, medical reports have been proved to be seriously flawed on many occasions.

How to Sustain Happiness in Marriage - Despite Childlessness

***** Maintain a positive outlook.

There is certainly no fun and joy in continuing to be childless as a married couple. But, the greatest favour that a childless couple can do for themselves is to maintain a positive outlook. They should have a strong conviction that their childless situation is only temporary and will surely come to an end at a time that they are close to giving up hope and least expect it. That was exactly what happened to the married couple who stayed married for 22 years without a child. Their first child was given birth to at a time that they had practically given up hope and least expected it.

***** Hold on to each other for support.

Married couples who remain childless must of necessity hold on to each other because each other are all they’ve got. The greatest mistake that a childless married couple can make is to blame one another for their childlessness.

Childlessness in marriage should be seen like any other problem or challenge that may afflict a married couple. As such, married couples should combine their energies and forces to fighting the challenges which childlessness present.

A childless couple owe it to themselves to stick close to themselves as loyal companions irrespective of their unpleasant situation. They need to learn to love and appreciate each other more than ever before.


***** Totally ignore or avoid discouraging folks.

Frankly, it is highly discouraging and disappointing for friends, family members and other persons to make disparaging remarks or make silly jokes about a couple's childlessness. If the thoughtless remarks and provocative utterances have simply become unbearable to them, the couple may limit their association with folks who seek to derive fun from their unwanted situation, where at all possible.

External assistance for childless couples.

The government and non-governmental organisations similarly need to assist married couples who are childless with free seminars and enlightenment campaigns on the ready-made alternative of adopting a child.

The Need to be Grateful for “Small” Mercies

Life is not always fair. While some people are rich, others are poor. While some have children, others have none. So, while childless married couples may lament their childless situation, other married couples may have challenges of a different kind.

They may have children, but their children may have one form of disability or the other - one or more of the children may be deaf, blind, crippled or disabled in some way. It is therefore vitally important for childless married couples to be thankful all the time that they are alive and healthy, despite being childless.

Bottom Line

Finally, all married couples, childless or not, urgently need to realise that marriage is not a bed of roses. Childlessness is just one of the numerous challenges that married couples may need to face at one point or the other in their married lives.

As such, married couples should not see childlessness as a curse, but as an opportunity to deepen their love and appreciation for each other.

Married couples should be firmly resolved to stick together, irrespective of the myriad of woes that their union may present before them to challenge their love for each other.

They should stay true to their marital vows to love each other, till death do them part.

That is the only way they can surely and truly expect to overcome the sadness and pains that childlessness present in marriage.

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